Upon learning what I do for a living, adults of all stripes tend to ask me two main questions.

The first question is asked, well, pretty much all of the time.

“What is wrong with kids these days?”

Huh.  I always feel pretty awkward here, because I believe (really, I do), that nothing much is wrong with kids these days.  I think babies are amazing, little kids are hilarious and curious, older kids are skilled and bright, and teens are not going to hell-in-a-hand-basket.  I guess as a professional, I should have a more “doomsday” state-of-mind about children, and I suppose I could easily find studies that support that many things are “wrong with kids” these days, but…nope.  I really like kids and I think that, with only a couple of exceptions, they walk the Earth much like kids have walked the Earth for hundreds and hundreds of years.

When parents say this to me (“What is wrong with kids these days?”), it is a flag to me that screams:

Why can’t I control my kids?

(Trust me, I know.  I used to fly that flag high and strong, day in and day out.  I think I created that flag).

I say, let’s abandon the perception of control over others and grow confidence in role-modeling, as well as trusting that your children can do the right thing.  Alyson Schafer (and I quote her loosely here) says that parents think that children, if left unchecked and uncontrolled, will be bad and do the wrong thing, when in actuality, children are inherently good, interested in justice, and want do the right thing.  There is recent brain research that shows that young babies can recognize just and good acts, and prefer them!  Of course, kids can be tempted by their environments and quickly growing brains to try the wrong thing, but this does not make them “bad” or “wrong.”  It makes them human.  And being controlling, so far, has not shown to be a useful way to get anyone to be “good.”  Just sayin’.

The second question I hear over and over is:

“What is wrong with parents these days?”

Ha!  Well, this seems to be easier, doesn’t it?  What is right with parents these days?

Well, to hear the media tell us, we work too much, have too little balance, are overweight, over-medicated, and, at least for women, the most depressed and anxious we have ever been!  Parents helicopter, over-attach then detach, send their kids to too many activities, tune out, drink too much wine, gossip, worry about normal developmental milestones, have crappy and sexless marriages, eat out too much, aren’t emotionally available, are too invested in academics, work too much out of the home, are home too much, aren’t involved in politics enough, compare their kids and their own parenting skills to others and too often, and are generally unhappy.  Oh, and don’t forget the guilt.  We are guilty about every decision we make.

What a horrible life, right?  It’s a wonder we had these wretched kids!

The general message to parents is:  You are royally fucking up this parenting gig. 

Personally, just like I think your kids are doing okay, I think you are doing just fine, too.  Sure, you have your hard days and yes, parenting is tough, but I don’t think you are as screwed up as you tell yourself you are!

Yes, you are extremely important in your child’s life.  No doubt.  So, when clients say to me, “What is wrong with parents these days?” I hear:

“Why don’t parents have better control of their kids?  WE ARE RAISING A NATION OF BRATS! Man-up, people!”

What is most interesting to me (as a parent coach), in regards to these two questions (what is wrong with kids and parents?) is the connective idea of control!

Controlling our kids, controlling our environments, controlling others, and controlling outcomes.  Control.  Control.  Control.

And where is this compulsive need for control born?  Fear.

Fear of not being enough and doing enough.  Fear of falling short.  Fear that the world will see you for who you think you are: a scared loser.  Fear of being vulnerable to life’s great mysteries.  Fear of not being up to the task.

So, if you find yourself asking, “what is wrong with parents and kids these days?” I want you to go to the mirror and ask yourself a couple of questions:

“What am I afraid of?”

“What would people know if they really knew me?”

“What scares me about parenthood?”

“What would I be doing if I weren’t trying to control others?”

These questions are the ones I am interested in asking and answering.

Because, you see, I don’t think anything is really “wrong” with anybody today.

Let’s simply stop pretending we are in control of everything…and strangely, things have a way of falling into their natural order.

Try it.  What do you have to lose?

Click HERE to read my newest blog about talking to your kids about S-E-X!

We were all walking up the hill to school, and my five year old was really having a rough time of it.

She didn’t like her sweater (the color OR the feel of it).

She didn’t like her pants (they didn’t match her shirt).

Her hair was messy (she refused to brush it).

According to her, she was not fit for school and “I AM NOT GOING.”

I sighed the long, deep sigh that all moms sigh when they are in this position.  The clock is ticking, the eight year old is starting to lose her patience (I have STANDARDIZED TESTING TODAY, LOOOUUUUIIIIIISSSSSSSE), and the 2 year old is squirming in her stroller, calling for “agua” because she only speaks Spanish.  Don’t ask.

I looked down at the beautiful, precious, and messy-haired child, who, as the moments passed was becoming more and more adamant about not attending school.

“Fine.  You don’t have to go.  We are going to drop Sophia off, walk by your school, and if you don’t wanna go, you don’t go.  That is that.”

Wait, what?  Is that…..gasp….giving in?

No.  Here is what happened.

A quick assessment showed me the priority was getting the 2nd grader to school.  I also know that my middle will dig in and never release.  Never.  So, I quickly decided to give her the power she wanted knowing 1) we were going to drop Sophia off at school in time and 2) Louise would probably want to go to her school when we got there.

BUT, I was also prepared for her to not go to school.  You cannot make an offer, and then not make good on it.  One day, your kid will call your bluff…so you have to be ready.

As she shuffled up the hill, she was still fairly miserable and it was bringing the family down.  I could start to feel my annoyance prick me, like a tiny little pin.

Something had to change, fast.

Looking around, I saw a house that does an amazing job at decorating for Halloween.  It loomed large in my family’s Halloween memories, and we loved walking past the house and watching it get creepier and creepier as the holiday approached. Super-scary, pretty gross, and very exciting and fun.

Aha.  Yes, it is APRIL, but who doesn’t love Halloween?

“Louise, I think this year for Halloween, we should get some bloody ghosts and eyeball cupcakes.”

She started listening.

“And more smoke from the smoke machine.  And maybe creepy noises playing, like door sloooooowly creaking…”

She was hooked.

“Yeah Mom,” she agreed, “and more skeletons and a bigger graveyard, and more bones lying around, and maybe a party….”

Before long, we were at the first school, and then Louise’s school.  She strolled right in; totally forgetting the drama of earlier.

So, what are the take-aways here?

Firstly, that’s a good morning!  A good morning is not dictated by the perfect behavior of the children.  It is decided by my ability to keep it together and stay positive.

Secondly, when it comes to our kids, giving some power away when you feel threatened to hold tight is usually the right decision.

Thirdly, distract with humor (not directed at them) and creativity.  Get your imagination going and let it fly.  Your kids will love it, and they will be right there with you.  They forget about their drama (for a bit) and have something positive to add to the conversation.  This works for every verbal age…really!  Don’t be afraid to get a little goofy.

I talk to clients quite a bit about siblings and all that annoying fighting.  The most current literature says, yes, siblings fight.  It is normal, and these fighting kids stand a good chance of enjoying a warm relationship as adult siblings.  I assure parents, over and over, that their kids will be okay.  I empathize: yes, it is hard.  Annoying.  Torturous, even.  But it will be okay.  And I believe it….

So, imagine my horror when I was driving last week and heard a radio show where a therapist was talking to the host about horrible, excruciating, terrible and tortured adult sibling relationships.  People were calling in, describing hellish and awful sibling relationships: extreme anger with their parents, lengthy, costly and failed therapy, miscommunication, avoidance, ruined family structures and holidays, losing touch with whole branches of families, etc.

It went on and on.

My heart sank.  I believed what I told my clients (and let’s face it, myself) about creating positive sibling interactions, but in the face of such anguish on the radio show, I was no longer sure.  These men and women calling in, they were so sad.  Some angry, but most it was mostly a deep sadness.

How can we, as parents, possibly avoid such conflict, anger, and miscommunication for our children?  Or are we doomed?

So the last call comes in and this man describes how both his mom and dad came from truly dysfunctional homes, and they both had little, to no relationships with their own siblings as a result of how competitive their respective parents were.  He then went on to describe that he enjoys warm and supportive relationships with his siblings, seeing them often, and talking on the phone frequently.  The radio host and therapist (and ME) were dying to know: what was the secret?  What did his parents do to cultivate these great sibling friendships, in the face of their own emotional challenges?

The man took a deep breath and said, “My mom and dad took the time to get to know each one of their children (4 in total), really listened to each child, and did the best they could to treat each child fairly.”

The host and therapist said, “So, that’s it?”

The man continued to say that his parents made a conscious decision to not choose sides or label the kids.  He made note, a couple of times, how hard this was due to the fact that his parents didn’t really know how to do this; they simply had to press on, making mistakes, making amends, and moving forward.

The host, the therapist, and I were silently listening, filled with hope and inspiration.  When the man finished speaking, the therapist said (with joy in her voice), “That’s the best thing I have heard in ages!” and the host smartly added, “I think we should end the show on a positive note!”

I had been fretting about the “just right advice or tip” for my clients when it came to addressing sibling relationships, but was reminded, beautifully, that that is not what it is about.

Listening, paying attention, and appreciating and growing the good in each individual child.  These are parenting skills that work because, instead of battling a negative, you are encouraging authenticity.  Every human wants and needs to be understood for who they really are.  Kids are no different.  When children believe the are understood, appreciated, and needed in the family, they are less likely to argue, bicker, and fight.

Am I suggesting this it is as simple as paying attention?  Fulling seeing your child for who they are, right now?  That this, this, will combat sibling rivalry and feuding later?!?

Yes, yes I am.

Life is complicated, each child is different and will have a myriad of experiences affecting their relationship with each other.  As a parent, you cannot control for all of that.

So, go for the simple.  Accept your child for exactly who they are, right now.  Notice (aloud) his or her goodness, and keep it going.

They will fight, nothing is perfect.  But you can start to relax, knowing that you are growing your family in the right direction.

Click HERE to read the interview!

Here you go!

I stumbled upon this blog http://www.aninchofgray.blogspot.com/ and started to read.  The picture of the little boy, the writer’s son, reminded me so much my little Gigi.

This writer, this Mom, lost her 12-year-old son in a tragic accident.  I don’t know the details.  A bridge.  A flood.  In their own neighborhood.  The unthinkable, the unimaginable.

As the mom also mentions in the blog post, my eye is drawn to the belly of Jack (that’s his name.  Jack).  I think of all the kissing and tickling and hugging that belly saw…that my children’s bellies see.

As parents, we cannot live and love like we are grieving (unless we are, than that’s what you do).  There is that saying…”live like today is your last….”  I hate that saying. What I am supposed to do?  Vodka shots?  Jump from a plane?  Sit and stare at my family, like they are museum relics?  You have to live like tomorrow is going to happen, because it is real.  It is true.

If I lived like I was going to lose my children the next day, I could not.  The fear of the pain would swallow me whole.

Bills to be paid, homework to be checked.  Working out, food-buying.  Cleaning dishes, bathtime.  But oh….bathtime.

The 8 year old turns away from me, “Mom, I need privacy,” she hisses.  Yes, yes of course you do.

The just-about-five-year old is, naturally, of two minds.  ”Wash my hair, Mom.  Now go away!”

But the 21 month old has the giant belly.  She is proud of it, pats at and throws her head back and laughs.  And I get to scrub that belly and eat toes and kiss fingers…all I want.

Jack, the young man who has died, had the same belly that my Gigi has.

You can see it, right there.  Hanging over her skirt.

This blog for parents who have sweet children with big bellies.  Love them up.

And to those who miss the bellies, who are suffering with tremendous loss…my prayers, thoughts, and love goes to you.

xoxoxo

My anxiety started, really kicking-my-ass-started, when I was pregnant with my third baby.  I was feeling uncomfortable with my life, and that discomfort grew into full-tilt anxiety.

As people who suffer from anxiety know, a point comes where even the persons who love you most (my husband), say “enough. There is nothing left to say here…” and then, you get yourself some help.

So, after a year and a half if crying and talking, talking and crying, my therapist and I parted ways and I was “better.”  Which only means that now I have tools, systems, and ways to handle the “voices” that want to make me crazy.

Why tell you this?  Well, the anxiety started to come back.  Except this time, in the form of apathy and full-on fatigue.  It was like my life was set on one of those really DULL Instagram i-Phone settings…everything covered over with an awful film.  I don’t talk to people about it because I am supposed to have it together (which I pretend to, all of the time, which is part of the problem…but I digress), and so this is how I went about my days.  Dulled.

I would pull myself out of it with some excellent yoga, seeing friends, my clients always inspire me….but….home I went, and boom.  Dull film.

Things were amiss.  Too busy.  Too crazy.  Too stressed.  Too fire-putting-out feeling.  But it was generalized…I couldn’t see it clearly.

Last weekend I went to the beach with my three girls (lovely husband traveling away) to see some family.  My eldest had not brought her homework, as instructed, and then ‘fess’d up to some tall tales she had told during the week.  I got angry and she cried.  She said, “I am just so tired.  I am so stressed.”

She is eight.

And just like that, I understood.  We needed to quit.  Quit it all.  Well, not school…bit everything else, for sure.

I talk to husband on phone Sunday and by Monday we had quit Piano, Hip Hop, Tai Kwon Do, Chorus, and a couple of other little activities that we had going.  These activities were spread among both the four year old and and eight year old, and my husband said, “Don’t you think this is a little ‘whole kitchen sink-ing it?’”

Yes, yes it is.

The driving.  The dropping off.  The picking up.  The homework.  The not-having-dinner-ready-ever.  The me-always-on-my-phone-trying-to-work.  It all had to stop.

We are free.  I allowed Ballet to stay, because my eldest said, “I cannot live without dance, Mom” and I believe her.  And the four year old will do weekend soccer in the Spring.  But the weekdays?  They belong to our family again.

My anxiety has lifted…until it comes back.  I know it will…it is part of who I am.  But these small parenting triumphs are just that; triumphant.

The kids cried, they couldn’t believe Daddy and I would cancel somanyamazingthings, but then POOF – they were happy.  Happier.

So, there you have it.  The parent coach.  Taking her own advice.  Feels good.  Will try again.  Soon.

So, true story.  My beautiful, funny, and very literal-minded eldest daughter (then four) once had an imaginary friend.  This friend gave me real pause.

His name?  Mr. Nobody.  His favorite activity?  Smoking.  Really.  Neither my husband nor I smoked, and Sophia did not spend much time around people who did smoke.  Disturbing, right?

For months, we watched my daughter sit and wait.  “Sophia, what are you doing?” we would ask.  “Mr. Nobody is on a smoke break…he is coming back soon.”  My husband and I would smile and nod, then turn around and look at each other in horror.  Our daughter had willingly created a friend who smoked, and even worse, he wouldn’t play with her.  Ugg.

I decided to take a “wait and see” approach (more on this later), and after a couple of weeks, Sophia dumped Mr. Nobody and we moved on to bigger and better imaginary friends.

So, what’s the story with these imaginary friends?  Some parents worry (kids can become very attached, creating elaborate plans and scenarios that involve their fictional buddy), some parents lose their patience (ever not been able to leave the house for an appointment unless the plastic pork chop was found?), and some parents totally buy in and support the fantasy, full-tilt.

So, let’s break it down with a quick Q & A, shall we?

Q:  Are imaginary friends normal?  And at what age do most kids create an imaginary friend?

 A:  Not only is it normal, but imaginary friends are also the signs of a healthy and developing brain.  This creativity is only the beginning of what our children can do with their brains!  Imaginary friends can begin as early as three years of age, and last until well into elementary school, seven or eight years of age.  There even seems to be some scientific correlation between imaginary friends, later ages, and the fiction-writer’s brain!  Cool, right?

Q:  My child has odd imaginary friends, like pieces of plastic foods or a Lego man, who has no arms.  Is this okay?

 A:  Yes!  When the object becomes an active part of imaginative play and is not needed simply for sleep or comfort (a lovey), your child has applied their wonderful imagination to it…and it is a very important object now!  Your child may ask the object about its opinion and thoughts on things like meals, clothing choices, etc., and the object may hate apples.  This is normal…if not sometimes irritating.  These same “opinions” can also be applied to the friend whom we cannot see!

Q:  I feel like our imaginary friend is hijacking our family!  The friend has to sit in certain seat at the table, needs a booster seat in the car, and is demanding his own book at bedtime.  To what extent do I need to keep this up?  When is enough, ENOUGH?

 A:  I tell parents to pick their battles on this front.  Firstly, unless your instinct is telling you that there is something amiss about the imaginary friend, just accept it.  Secondly, recognize that this is a phase and will pass.  In fact, if you allow yourself to have some fun with it, it is a great phase (unlike tantrums!)  If you feel as if your child is manipulating the family dynamics with the friend, simply say, “I am willing to read you each this book, and then you are going to have to share another book with your friend.”  “I am willing to put this chair next to you, and you are going to have to share your dinner with your friend.  I am not creating another plate.”  Whatever you do, don’t make a big fuss over your boundaries.  State them, in the simplest and easy-to-understand terms, and leave it at that.  And when in doubt, meet creativity with creativity!  Serve the friend an imaginary meal and ask your child if he sees the green pizza, covered with yellow beans and pink pepperonis!

Q:  What if my child argues with her imaginary friend?  What do I do?

 A:  Ah, yes…the disagreeable imaginary friend.  Back to Sophia and Mr. Nobody…I started to notice that she was waiting for him and he was being quite rude.  It was an interesting opportunity to walk about friendships and create some solutions.  I asked her, “What would you do if your friend did this at school?  What are some other toys we can play with?”  I started to move her away from the waiting and toward proactive behaviors.  Likewise, you can use imaginary friends to model some great behaviors, like sharing and asking questions about feelings.  I also love to have imaginary friends teach use more about etiquette (nothing worse than a friend who doesn’t say please or thank you, or will not pass the ball!)

So, embrace the imaginary friend!  It is relatively harmless, fun, and above all, normal.  And hopefully you imaginary friend isn’t a rude smoker…

For more info, go to these websites:

http://www.apa.org/monitor/jan05/imaginary.aspx

http://www.aboutourkids.org/articles/when_your_child039s_new_friend_imaginary

http://family.go.com/parenting/pkg-preschool/article-826297-the-real-reasons-kid-create-imaginary-friends-t/

I have been reading the Momastery blog and I connect to her.  Her writing is good (albeit a tad religious for my taste), and her sincerity and rawness flies off the page.  She talks about “doing hard things,” and she has done hard things, as well as continues to.  I like reading her; I like her voice.

I have studied “hard things.”  Things like abnormal psychology, severe disorders, and grave tragedies; what happens to the brain when these issues seemingly hijack a person.  I have learned “proper responses” to many of them, but only truly an expert in some of the them.  I know enough to be dangerous, as the saying goes.

I know nothing.

Facts, collected.  Studies, numbers, questions asked and answered.  Papers and papers and papers written.  Case studies, caseloads, observations, tests, clients.

Now, I sit in front of my eight-year-old daughter to explain suicide.

I know the facts.  It is not about willpower or lack of love.  A parent doesn’t leave a child willingly.

Right?

My heavy heart blocks my knowledgeable brain.  My fear of “hard things” keeps me from meeting her eye.  My palms are sweating and I can feel the prick of tears beginning.

This is not train-able.  No class, seminar, or test for this moment.  I am a mom, with her daughter, summoning courage.

Not finding it.  Digging deep.  Wanting to punt to my husband.

But I know this is it.  This is the work.  These are the crossroad moments; the moments where I accept the truth and teach that truth to my daughter.  And truth, no matter how painful, is not worse than the cover-up.  Ever.

This is not a brain issue…this is a heart issue.  Courage, from the French for heart, “Coeur.”  To find the heart to do something…something hard.

I have been thinking that is it our human instinct to shrink from challenge, that fear is our instinct.  But I think I’m wrong.  Our hearts are courageous, we just get in the habit of listening to our fearful brains.

She will understand a heartbreaking part of the world…a part where people are so sad and depressed; they listen to the voice that says, “enough.”

A deep breath.

Faith in strength.  Faith in love.  Faith in courage.  Faith in her.

Faith in myself.